February 26, 2009

Hoping

This week I had one of those days. I didn't feel all that great and my motivation was nada. So when my baby fell asleep on me--which doesn't happen often I didn't try and set him down so I could go get some work done. I sat on the couch and let him sleep on me for 2 hours.

This is a rare occasion for me. This baby does not sleep for two hours of the day EVER. And it usually takes lots and lots of work for me to get him to sleep while I'm holding him. Strange, I know, but that is who he is.

While he was asleep I watched his face. He is so beautiful. They are all beautiful when they are sleeping. The term angel here is cliche but appropriate. As I was gazing at his face I got a glimpse of what he might look light as a little boy, as a teenager, as an adult. And he will always be beautiful. But the thought of him growing up breaks my heart a little. And thrills me at the same time.

Motherhood is so full of moments like that. They can be hard to find in all of the screaming and running and dancing and singing. The quiet moments when you catch your child making a face and you know that they will have that same face as they grow. And you hope, desperately, that the person accompanying that face will live a good and happy and worthwhile life. And that your influence in their life will be for good.

And so I held my baby, sitting on the couch for two hours doing nothing but willing my baby to grow up healthy and happy. And loving him like I know he won't let me love him once he learns how to walk. Once he learns how to run. Once he learns how to drive. Hoping that loving him like that now will seep into him and nourish him for the rest of his life.

6 comments:

Mallory said...

I feel that way, too. It is so overwhelming to be a parent. Yet, it is a wonderful thing, beautiful, breathtaking, inspiring.

janae said...

That was beautiful, Rachel. You are obviously a reader and writer at heart. :)

That Girl in Brazil said...

I just love this - most especially the last paragraph. That image of letting love seep into our children by osmosis ....

I bettin' it'll work.

Carolyn said...

I have spent so many hours doing the same thing. It is especially heartbreaking/wonderful when you know your baby is your last.

Enjoy it!

wonder woman said...

I'm so sorry he's not a good sleeper. That's gotta be rough.

When I read your title, the sonng"Wishin' and Hopin'" (and thinking and praying and planning.....) popped into my head. And it totally fits.

I'm glad you just let him sleep. Those moments are definately going to be gone too soon. Love this post.

wendy said...

I AM PROUD OF YOU FOR DOING THAT ---just holding your baby and looking into his face. I love rocking my kids (when they were little) and rocking my grand kids. It is a feeling of such love and peace and anticipation for the person they will one day grow up to be.

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