April 11, 2019

Motherhood Now

I haven't written a post in years. I mean, sure, I started a new blog, sure, but not for the same reasons that I started this one. The reasons that I started this one can be satisfied with Instagram or Twitter. But I realized recently that when I stopped blogging, I did myself a serious disservice. This blog served as a collection of essays on my life as a mother of four little kids. Until I started trying to earn a little money. At this point, monetary hopes and dreams are out the window. What I would like to get back to, however, are essays about my life as a mother.

This time it's different. I don't have four little kids. I have six kids ranging from teenager to preschooler. I have one kid driving and still have two kids at home with me all day. It's a strange limbo to be in. I have built in babysitters, but those babysitters have lives. They want to hang out with their friends, be involved at clubs at school and basically do whatever they want. My preschoolers are spoiled rotten. They have been babied from the get go and I spend more time than I would like to admit doing damage control. I'm not entirely sure that I have ruined them completely.

Not only is this middle place strange, it's lonely. I have friends who have teenagers, but they don't have kids home during the day so they work or spend all day volunteering at school. I have friends who have preschoolers, but no one goes to actual school yet, so their days are full of library story times, naps and play dates. There really isn't anyone in my life that understands what it is like to be here. The strange combination of busy-ness and learning to read. Visits to the DMV and kindergarten orientation.

I don't have a profound observation to offer here. Just that this place is a new place, and I'm not entirely sure if I like it. I can see the end of the tunnel. Two more years and every kid will be in school all day. (But only for one year. Then the oldest goes to college. Yes. I will have a kindergartner and a senior at the same time.) But that tunnel isn't really a relief, it's kind of scary. I'm not sure that I want to spend all day volunteering at the school, and other than working a register at a fabric store, what kind of job can I hope to get? I suppose that I can always go back to school. But I graduated with a degree 15 years ago. I just never did anything with it.

I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I don't love change. It isn't easy for me. So the fact that motherhood changes regularly stretches and pulls me in ways I never thought possible. It's hard. It's lovely. It's fun. It's terrifying. It's exhausting. It's nonstop. I signed up for the ride without really knowing what I was getting myself into. But, I suppose, all mothers do.

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