May 6, 2009

My Dear Cost Effective Husband,

I am writing this letter in such a public forum in hopes that you will take my hatred of spiders seriously. Because I don't think you do . . .

Remember that time that I had to kill the biggest spider ever while you were at work? Remember how it was so big that I could see it from the top of the stairs all the way down at the bottom, without any lights on? Did you know that I froze 4 steps up? Did you know that my heart started racing and I actually considered getting the girls to come kill it for me? Did you know that I went, as fast as I could, to collect not one, but 4 shoes? So that I could throw them at it?

Do you want to know why?

I have this irrational (key word being irrational) fear that if I step on the spider I would miss and it would try and take revenge on me by crawling up my foot and onto my leg, thereby giving me a heart attack and effectively killing me.

Did you know that?

And did you know that after I threw all four shoes at it, and still missed, I had to stand there and work up my courage in order to jump on it? From five steps up? Because I was not about to risk giving that spider the opportunity to climb onto my foot while I stood next to it.

Do you remember how I left that spider on the floor, dead, for the rest of the day so that you could clean it up? Enter irrational fear number two: said spider was only pretending to be dead and as soon as I pick it up it would jump on my hand, run up my arm, thereby giving me a heart attack and effectively killing me.

Did you know that?

And did you know that for weeks after said incident I walked slowly through the basement, vigilantly on the lookout for more huge spiders? That I HATE walking through the basement without all the lights on? Did you know that I refuse to kneel on the floor to say my prayers, seeing as our bedroom is in the basement?

Did you know that?

Well, now that you do, I think that you will agree that the money spent on spider killing bug spray was well spent. It saved your wife a heart attack, effectively saving her life.

All my love,

P.S. Have you voted for me yet? Because I'm losing . . .


heather said...

peace of mind is priceless.

Rochelle Brunson said...

I feel like I could have written this. I have a terrible irrational fear of spiders as well, and have also stood at the top of the stairs throwing whatever was in reach at a spider in order to kill it. The only difference is I cried the whole time and left the house afterward because I was afraid it was still alive and would come hunt me down! My husband thinks I should go to therapy.

Kristina P. said...

My husband is the scaredey cat, when it comes to spiders. No joke. He turns into a 13 year-old girl.

Lauren said...

I have the exact same fear. So does my father-in-law, which is pretty funny because he seems so fearless about everything.
Oh, and I did vote for you!!!

ABrunettesLife said...

Same fear here. I've been teaching my kids since they were tiny that killing spiders is fun so I don't have to do it. They get LOTS of high fives, and "AWESOME's" for killing a spider.. . pathetic isn't it?

Cranberryfries said...

I like ABrunettesLife's approach. I should do that. So far my oldest daughter is on board.

My hubby is like Kristina P's. He will seriously run away screaming like a little schoolgirl. It's sad really.

I am the spider killer. Only because he will literally leave the house (and spider) to wander around to find, and poison (cause they're all poisonous I know it. If people say they aren't they're lieing!) the rest of us. So I figure I either kill it or it stays in the house with us.

janae said...

Oh, I definitely share that irrational fear with ya! In fact, I refuse to kill spiders with my own shoes because then it takes me another 6 months before I even consider putting the shoes on again. Seriously.

Okay, so check this out. Maryland is lush and beautiful - seriously, it almost feels like the tropics. (And I've lived there, so I know these things.) The problem is, along with lush and beauty come thousands and thousands of bugs - especially spiders. And cicadas. But lets not go there. Anyway, I learned something really interesting when we moved out here. Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - has an exterminator go though their entire house and yard at least twice a year, often more. And then they don't get any bugs. Zero, zilch, nada. (Okay, unless they live in a really old and grotesque house.) I am SOOOO doing that when we buy a house again. I don't care how much it costs!

Sherrie Shepherd Piano Music said...

I HATE Spiders. I don't mind the little black ones in my lawn. They belong out there. But the big ugly ones that get in my house...Sooooo NOT Okay.
You should call the bug spray guy right away!!

Sherrie Shepherd Piano Music said...

p.s. I already voted for you, but i could go over there under this ID and vote again!

Melinda said...

I don't mind spiders, I'm like a billion times bigger than them and can squish them like a...well, like the bug they are! Ha! Everyone I know (except us--stupid cheap husband) has a bug guy, who comes once a month to spray their house. I really want a bug guy though, I just don't like seeing bugs inside even if I can kill them. Yuck.

Melinda said...

Oh p.s. I have voted for you, more than once even! :)

Wonder Woman said...

Yay! I'm glad he spent a little money for your peace of mind.

p.s. I voted for you, even though I know and like others. Because I love you!

p.p.s. I had a dream with you in it the other night. All I remember is that you were wearing these cute turquoise bohemian sandles. With hemp hemming and cork wedges and turquoise straps that laced up your legs. (I was obviously a big fan of the shoes, since that's all I remember!) Crazy, huh?

Anonymous said...

Husbands never really really understand our irrational fears. Spiders are no big deal for me, but the scale.

I cringe in terror.

Heidi said...

Your fears are not irrational. Everybody knows that if you try to kill a spider and miss, he will find you and bite the dickens out of you. That's why I just leave them alone unless they are over a certain size--then I use the extension wand on the vacuum and suck them up b/c I don't want to risk missing and having it take its revenge on me.

Mattsmom said...

You and I are living parallel lives.

Just SO said...

I'd come and kill a spider for you!

I voted for you...killing a spider is cake.

pan x 8 said...

Girl you took the fears right out of my mind!!! Seriously, do you think those irrationalities could be for reals?? Because I feel the SAME EXACT FEARING IRRATIONAL way you do!!!

Thanks for being brave!

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