August 29, 2016

Song of Summer's End

My daughter goes to first grade tomorrow. And it feels like I am saying goodbye to her. I have spent every day with her for the past 6 years. Every day for at least 21 hours. I got to be there for it all. The first smile. Laugh. Word. Tooth. Joke. Time out. Tantrum. The good and the bad. I have been there. And now I have to give that up. The first spelling test. I won't be there. The first lunch in the lunch room. I won't be there. She will learn so much without me.

And more than just spelling and math. How to make friends and keep them. How to decide to be a bigger person and not make fun of less socially adapt kids. How to deal with disappointment all by herself. I won't be there for those moments. I will only get the leftovers. The few hours between school and bed. Those precious hours that homework has to be done, dinner has to be made. Chores have to be done, baths have to be taken. Those precious hours are not enough for me to soak in the goodness of my girl and to keep her close to me like I want to. And so I have to say good bye until next summer until she will spend every glorious hour with me again.

Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm a bad mom for not wanting to let her go. But she is my baby and I don't want to give her up. Not yet.

*Originally published 2009


Lourie said...

Is she your baby, baby? I haven't reached that point yet. My baby is 3. You are not a selfish or bad mom. It's just hard to see them grow up so fast. She will have many many firsts, and you are the one she will share them with... first!

Kristina P. said...

My favorite new commerical is the Office Max one where the dad is shopping with his kids for Back to School and it's like Christmas for him, and the kids are all pissed, standing there. It made me laugh so hard.

I've always imagined being like that parrent.

Momza said...

No matter if she's your first, third or seventh child, it is hard to let go of them for first grade.
Being a mother is having your heart walk around outside of your body for the rest of your life.
You could cuddle with her at bedtime or before she gets up in the morning to get some extra lovin' in!

Anonymous said...

I find stalking them outside the classroom helps. Just peek in the window and watch them having fun and learning.

My son is starting first grade too :)

Jenny P. said...

Those hours after school but before bed? I love those hours. I try really hard to make sure, in those hours that I really, really look at my kids. Not look at them while they are doing something else, but look at them, look in their eyes and make sure they see me. They see me looking, caring, wanting to be with them. Good luck letting your little one go. ;)

Erin said...

Amen. I have been avoiding even thinking about it because I think it will scare me too much. Good luck to both of us AND our kids!

Wonder Woman said...

I know that I am going to feel the same way you do. I have tears in my eyes already.

You're not a bad mom. It's good that you want to spend more time with your kids! I'm sure the day will come that you will actually look forward to this time of year. And even then, you won't be a bad mom.

Something I read in a talk one time (I think it was Pres. Benson) about motherhood was the importance of being there at the crossroads. Not the major events of your children's lives (though those are important, too!) but the daily crossroads. Coming home from school, friends, work, dates, etc. My mom was there for everyone, and I'm positive it's a big part of the reason we've always been so close. The only time our relationship really struggled was when I was away at school. She wasn't there for my comings and goings. Told ya I'm a hijacker. BTW, I love you! Love what you write about and the way you write it. ♥

Emmy said...

I don't blame you one bit. I bet she will do great though. The not knowing and not being there for everything drives me crazy too... just having to cut the strings and let go.

Sugarplum Creations Blog said...

My heart aches for you. I had these same feelings two years ago when my first was going to start kindergarten. Here we have all day Kindergarten, and we had never been apart. Just thinking of sending her off brought me to tears every single day the whole summer before she was to go. In the end we decided to homeschool and it has definitely been the right choice for us. BUT, my four year old is already talking about how she wants to go to school . . . so I'm sure the same feelings will be brought to the surface again next year.

Hugs ♥

janae said...

I'm so scared for the day Seara starts school! I have at least a year or two (depending on where we live and if they have full-day kindergarten), but I'm still terrified!

Cranberryfries said...

Great post Rach, I love the way you wrote this~!

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